Skip to content


These functions don't fit any of the other categories.


This function returns a random quote.


function getQOTD() { //--------------------------------------------------------------------

    $arrQOTD = array(
        array( "'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.", "Abraham Lincoln" ),
        array( "The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.", "Adam Smith" ),
        array( "If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X+Y+Z.<br>X is work.<br>Y is play.<br>Z is keep your mouth shut.", "Albert Einstein" ),
        array( "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.", "Albert Einstein" ),
        array( "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.", "Albert Einstein" ),
        array( "The important thing is to not stop questioning.", "Albert Einstein" ),
        array( "Then again, e=mc^2 may only be a local phenomenon.", "Albert Einstein" ),
        array( "Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.", "Aldous Huxley" ),
        array( "It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least two ways to spell any word.", "Andrew Jackson" ),
        array( "There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.", "Andrew Jackson" ),
        array( "Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages; v. tr. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.", "Anonymous" ),
        array( "As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.", "Conrad H. Weisert" ),
        array( "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….", "William Faulkner" ),
        array( "Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.", "Tom Van Vleck" ),
        array( "There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.", "Alan Perlis" ),
        array( "What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.", "Anonymous" ),
        array( "It is the mark of an educated mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness where only an approximation is possible.", "Aristotle" ),
        array( "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.", "Arthur C. Clarke" ),
        array( "As practiced by computer science, the study of programming is an unholy mixture of mathematics, literary criticism, and folklore.", "B. A. Sheil" ),
        array( "A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.", "Barbarella" ),
        array( "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.", "Ben Franklin" ),
        array( "Remember, high-tech means breaks down next week, while cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon.", "Bruce Sterling" ),
        array( "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.", "C.A.R. Hoare" ),
        array( "It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.", "Carl Sagan" ),
        array( "Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense.", "Carl Sagan" ),
        array( "There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.", "Charles Sanders Pierce" ),
        array( "What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.", "Dave Barry" ),
        array( "Remember, it could always be worse. You COULD be an adjunct.", "Dr. Liana Valente" ),
        array( "If everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.", "Garrison Keillor" ),
        array( "The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.", "Grace Murray Hopper" ),
        array( "For every complex question, there is a simple answer-- and it's wrong.", "H.L. Mencken" ),
        array( "I have a spelling checker,<br>It came with my PC;<br>It plainly marks four my revue,<br>Mistakes I cannot sea.<br><br>I've run this poem threw it,<br>I'm sure your pleased too no.<br>Its letter perfect in it's weigh,<br>My checker tolled me sew.", "Janet Minor" ),
        array( "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.", "Jeremy S. Anderson" ),
        array( "A clever man commits no minor blunders.", "Johann Wolfgang von Goethe" ),
        array( "Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination.", "John Dewey" ),
        array( "That's what I love about GUIs: They make simple tasks easier, and complex tasks impossible.", "John William Chambless" ),
        array( "Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.", "Leonard Brandwein" ),
        array( "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.", "Mark Twain" ),
        array( "It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.", "Mark Twain" ),
        array( "A computer network is like a dancing bear. Don't be upset that it doesn't dance gracefully, rather, be amazed that it dances at all.", "Michael D. Shook" ),
        array( "A Crash?<br>One of those annoying buzzwords.<br>We prefer to think of it as an unrequested maintenance cycle!", "Michael D. Shook" ),
        array( "Computers are like children. Even identical twins have to be different.", "Michael D. Shook" ),
        array( "Conventional is to past as unconventional is to future.", "Michael D. Shook" ),
        array( "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.", "Michael Friedman" ),
        array( "A bureaucrat is someone who is afraid that somewhere, some how, somebody is doing something without permission.", "Michael Morrison" ),
        array( "A Meltdown?<br>One of those annoying buzzwords.<br>We prefer to think of it as an unrequested fission surplus!", "Montegue Burns" ),
        array( "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.", "Nathaniel Borenstein" ),
        array( "People who count their chickens before they are hatched, act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately.", "Oscar Wilde" ),
        array( "We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.", "Petronius Arbiter (210 B.C.)" ),
        array( "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.", "Philip K. Dick" ),
        array( "...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded…", "Plato" ),
        array( "Rhythm and harmony find their way into the inward places of the soul.", "Plato" ),
        array( "The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.", "Porterfield" ),
        array( "Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.", "Rich Kulawiec" ),
        array( "Always drink upstream of the herd,<br>Never look straight up at a bird,<br>When you get bucked off, get back on,<br>And don't squat with your spurs on.", "Riders in the Sky" ),
        array( "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.", "Sir Lawerence Olivier" ),
        array( "I drank WHAT?", "Socrates" ),
        array( "Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.", "Socrates" ),
        array( "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive.We've created life in our own image.", "Stephen Hawking" ),
        array( "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.", "Steve Wozniak" ),
        array( "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.", "Thomas Alva Edison" ),
        array( "The great tragedy of science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.", "Thomas Huxley" ),
        array( "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Don't wait for an inspired ending to come to mind. Work your way to the ending and see what comes up.", "Andy Weir" ),
        array( "A work of art is never finished. It is merely abandoned.", "E. M. Forster" ),
        array( "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.", "Wernher Von Braun" ),
        array( "Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill.", "Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson" ),
        array( "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.", "Winston Churchill" ),
        array( "A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.", "George S. Patton" )

    $random_key = array_rand( $arrQOTD, 1 );

    return '"' . $arrQOTD[ $random_key ][ 0 ] . '" - ' . $arrQOTD[ $random_key ][ 1 ];

} //end function getQOTD